Where it went...

Yesterday I had a playdate with B and his pet L.  It was the first time I was meeting them but I was put into contact with them by someone I trust so I knew I would be safe.  This post isn't really about our experience but rather one particular part.  I had my hands against the wall, staring at the whiteness in front of me as B used his flogger on me.  At one point he stood beside me and asked me where I was sending the pain.  Maybe I was too deep into "subspace" or maybe I just didn't have an answer.  All I could muster was a shake of my head and a shrug of my shoulders, my hands still on the wall.  He said again, "where are you sending the pain?  Because there IS pain."  And in that moment I didn't have an exact answer so all I could say was that I didn't know but that it helped with what was going on inside, and took one hand off the wall placing it over my heart.  He said fair enough then went back to giving me more pain which I welcomed.

Now that I've had some time to process the question, the situation and my feelings...I have an answer.  I was sending it to every ounce of confusion and hurt in my head, in my heart.  Since I left my fiance a month ago, I have been searching for whatever it was that was missing from our relationship.  The main thing was happiness.  I wasn't happy with him.  And one of the major factors of that was sex and the fact that I wanted to explore kink/bdsm and he had NO interest in it whatsoever.  Maybe if he had let me explore and play with others, I might have stayed, but I doubt it.  Outside of the bedroom, I still wasn't happy.  But that brings up the poly life that I have been introduced to by many people I have become friends with. 

I don't need my primary partner to be into kink/bdsm.  In fact, I think I would prefer it if they weren't.  What I need is a partner who is accepting of that side of me and will allow me to seek out that pleasure away from him/her.  But one who will hold me when I see them, being careful of bruises, scratches and any other lasting marks.  Someone to share myself with and can share themselves with me, openly and honestly away from judgment.  A happiness that can't be replicated.  A relationship where we can pop the Batman XXX in, laugh about it, fuck each other and then laugh about it more as we tweet.  A situation where that is normal and no one gets mad.  Communicating needs, wants, desires to each other.  I want someone that will be happy when I have a playdate and tells me to be safe. 

One person will never fill every need or desire I have.  People often have this misconception about relationships or live in denial of it and then get mad when the realization slaps them in the face.  As much as I would like to be everything for someone, it just won't happen.  But what I can be is myself and be what they need me to be.  Whether that's to be a distraction, a snuggle buddy, a friend, a shoulder to cry on or even their main relationship then that is what I can be.  And I won't get mad when he/she tells me they're going somewhere to fuck another because I know I can't be what that OTHER person is.  I can't fill the same place in their heart and head.  As much as I want to, I know it won't be.  It's that old saying we're taught as children: "sharing is caring."

My problem is that I care too much.  I fall fast, I fall hard and I love with all of my being.  I have an immense capacity to feel and an even deeper ability to love.  That may be my weakness because I tend to invest myself and my heart in people that just don't care even when they say they do.  It always leaves me getting hurt.  I always say I'm going to be careful and keep a wall up but then someone comes alone unexpectedly, flashes a beautiful smile and has me hooked.  What would be ideal is if that person just accepted me as I was and care for me regardless. 

I hate labels and categories because I know I don't fit into just one.  I just don't fit neatly into someone's ONE category.  But as a friend pointed out, I have a need to put labels on things.  My current "relationship" is really testing and pushing that need.  We are having fun and happy so we agreed that there wasn't a need to call t anything other than that.  But there is still that nagging in my head to call it either this or that.  The situation CAN'T be put in a category.  I don't want to label it because then that label may destroy what it is now.  So I will be happy and content with what it is, maybe it will evolve into something that can be labeled but who knows.  As long as we're not bad for each other and there's happiness, isn't that all we need?  Again, this is one of my neurosis and my "ability" to care too much.  I think my greatest fear these days is caring and feeling more than the other person, which I'm sure is how a lot of people feel.  And all of this is in my head, that I'm creating a situation filled with feelings where all it's meant to be is a distraction and a good time.  I guess only time will tell.