Where it went...

Yesterday I had a playdate with B and his pet L.  It was the first time I was meeting them but I was put into contact with them by someone I trust so I knew I would be safe.  This post isn't really about our experience but rather one particular part.  I had my hands against the wall, staring at the whiteness in front of me as B used his flogger on me.  At one point he stood beside me and asked me where I was sending the pain.  Maybe I was too deep into "subspace" or maybe I just didn't have an answer.  All I could muster was a shake of my head and a shrug of my shoulders, my hands still on the wall.  He said again, "where are you sending the pain?  Because there IS pain."  And in that moment I didn't have an exact answer so all I could say was that I didn't know but that it helped with what was going on inside, and took one hand off the wall placing it over my heart.  He said fair enough then went back to giving me more pain which I welcomed.

Now that I've had some time to process the question, the situation and my feelings...I have an answer.  I was sending it to every ounce of confusion and hurt in my head, in my heart.  Since I left my fiance a month ago, I have been searching for whatever it was that was missing from our relationship.  The main thing was happiness.  I wasn't happy with him.  And one of the major factors of that was sex and the fact that I wanted to explore kink/bdsm and he had NO interest in it whatsoever.  Maybe if he had let me explore and play with others, I might have stayed, but I doubt it.  Outside of the bedroom, I still wasn't happy.  But that brings up the poly life that I have been introduced to by many people I have become friends with. 

I don't need my primary partner to be into kink/bdsm.  In fact, I think I would prefer it if they weren't.  What I need is a partner who is accepting of that side of me and will allow me to seek out that pleasure away from him/her.  But one who will hold me when I see them, being careful of bruises, scratches and any other lasting marks.  Someone to share myself with and can share themselves with me, openly and honestly away from judgment.  A happiness that can't be replicated.  A relationship where we can pop the Batman XXX in, laugh about it, fuck each other and then laugh about it more as we tweet.  A situation where that is normal and no one gets mad.  Communicating needs, wants, desires to each other.  I want someone that will be happy when I have a playdate and tells me to be safe. 

One person will never fill every need or desire I have.  People often have this misconception about relationships or live in denial of it and then get mad when the realization slaps them in the face.  As much as I would like to be everything for someone, it just won't happen.  But what I can be is myself and be what they need me to be.  Whether that's to be a distraction, a snuggle buddy, a friend, a shoulder to cry on or even their main relationship then that is what I can be.  And I won't get mad when he/she tells me they're going somewhere to fuck another because I know I can't be what that OTHER person is.  I can't fill the same place in their heart and head.  As much as I want to, I know it won't be.  It's that old saying we're taught as children: "sharing is caring."

My problem is that I care too much.  I fall fast, I fall hard and I love with all of my being.  I have an immense capacity to feel and an even deeper ability to love.  That may be my weakness because I tend to invest myself and my heart in people that just don't care even when they say they do.  It always leaves me getting hurt.  I always say I'm going to be careful and keep a wall up but then someone comes alone unexpectedly, flashes a beautiful smile and has me hooked.  What would be ideal is if that person just accepted me as I was and care for me regardless. 

I hate labels and categories because I know I don't fit into just one.  I just don't fit neatly into someone's ONE category.  But as a friend pointed out, I have a need to put labels on things.  My current "relationship" is really testing and pushing that need.  We are having fun and happy so we agreed that there wasn't a need to call t anything other than that.  But there is still that nagging in my head to call it either this or that.  The situation CAN'T be put in a category.  I don't want to label it because then that label may destroy what it is now.  So I will be happy and content with what it is, maybe it will evolve into something that can be labeled but who knows.  As long as we're not bad for each other and there's happiness, isn't that all we need?  Again, this is one of my neurosis and my "ability" to care too much.  I think my greatest fear these days is caring and feeling more than the other person, which I'm sure is how a lot of people feel.  And all of this is in my head, that I'm creating a situation filled with feelings where all it's meant to be is a distraction and a good time.  I guess only time will tell.

My First Time

This is the tale of my first same sex experience (that was more than just kissing)

 

So I have this new friend in my life, we'll call her A.  We've been chatting online for a few months now but met in person a little over a week ago.  Since moving in with my aunt after the break up, I am now closer to her so we figured it would be awesome.  I messaged her on Twitter and asked if she wanted to meet me at the tattoo place and hang out after I got my tattoo.  So she did.  We ended just across the street at the pub and we stayed there for 5 hours.  Flirted with our waiter, flirted with each other and enjoyed lots of drinkins and bar table art.  Our waiter told us about open mic night which he would be performing at the following week in the pub.  So we made plans to go together.  When we left it had started to rain a little bit and our cars were parked near each other.  We had a very nice kiss goodbye.  We went back for open mic night this past Thursday and stayed there for about 5-6 hours again just drinking and enjoying each other's company.  I had told her that on Friday night we were going to have a little fire going at my aunt's if it didn't rain and that she should come.  Well it ended up raining Friday night so we postponed it until Saturday night (which was last night).  I bought a bottle of the rum that she liked because I knew she didn't like the rum we had at the house already.

 

My mother, aunt, and I had started the fire a little early and started dinking before A had arrived.  Once she did, she made a drink and joined us on the patio in the back.  My mom was already sufficiently buzzed so it was quite entertaining.  She ended up in the woods looking for more firewood and found quite a LARGE branch.  I was tasked with breaking it down into smaller bits.  Which I did because I am an Amazon.  But that's besides the point.  So after my mother was falling down on A, I put her to bed.  Shortly after my aunt went upstairs to bed.  I think they were both tucked in by 9 pm.  A and I kept the fire going and the other night we were talking about how flexible I was, so I demonstrated but I had to take off my jeans to do so.  Now I was outside by the fire in my shirt, old man sweater and my boy brief panties.

 

 

 

We had the radio on playing some station of "today's hits" so I was dancing around.  We kept drinking and dancing and talking.  And then we were cuddling on one of the chairs, her back against my chest and my arms around her.  The moon and stars were out, the fire was going...it really was an amazing night so far.  Then we ended up switching after I had gotten up to get more cardboard to burn and she was behind me.  I had to get up to make us more drinks and when I came back, I sat facing her, my legs around the sides of her, knees bent up so we were looking at each other.  And we kissed.  But this was different than the other times we've kissed...there was more urgency and desire.  Her hands wandered down towards my already wet panties and slid in.  The chair wasn't the most comfortable place so I said we should go inside.  We grabbed some important stuff from outside and moved the party inside.  While she hooked up her webcam I made us more drinks.  After what seemed like forever trying to figure out how to get the Ustream channel up and running, we were back on the bed making out, hands all over each other's bodies.

 

Her mouth was on my neck, chest, stomach (which had "slut" written on it from Sir and she enjoyed that).  Then her hand slipped between my thighs again and went to work on me, her mouth on mine again.  She coaxed me to the edge of orgasm with her fingers and her words telling me to cum for her and when I was almost there I told her and she put her mouth on my pussy, licking and enjoying my taste.  Even after my body was relaxing she continued to work my body and bring me to a second orgasm.  At some point she was straddling me and removed her bra so she was just in her panties and then I removed my bra so I was also just in my panties.  And after she gave me my second orgasm, we were laying next to each other kissing and just enjoying each other.  Now because this was my first time with another woman, I was nervous about doing anything because I didn't want to do something wrong or make a fool of myself.  But while we were kissing and I was admiring her breasts, I noticed her hand had slid into her panties and I couldn't let her pleasure herself after she'd worked so hard to pleasure me.  So while I was kissing her neck, I slid my hand in next to hers and took after working her clit and fucking her with my fingers.  I brought her to orgasm at least once...maybe a second time, the alcohol has clouded my memory just a bit.  I don't remember the minute details sometimes.  *giggle*  So then we were laying and kissing again and she found her way to my pussy and would not settle for just one more orgasm but rather wanted two more out of me.  I obliged and gave her my sweet release.  I think it was at this point that I started to enter a haze of orgasms and things started to get even more foggy.  I think at some point I said "holy sweet baby jesus" and something to the effect of "oh my fucking god" while laughing.  Oh and there was also a "be careful, you're going to spoil me" because she replied back with a beautiful smile and said "good, you deserve it" and started to kiss me again.  She paid me so many compliments during it all and I was feeling so self conscious!  Maybe it was the alcohol or the fact that I'm just not used to receiving compliments in that nature but she could not have made me feel more special that she did.  There was a small rest, but our bodies were still next to each other and kissing.  Her kissing got deeper and harder and knew what she wanted.  So I brought her to orgasm again (possibly more than just one more).  And I think it was at this point that we turned off the webcam and turned off the lights and just laid in bed, talking and kissing and cuddling.  Before I knew it, she was back to work, kissing my shoulder and massaging my breasts.  I think I giggled and said something like "devil woman, you just don't quit" and she said no and that I deserve this.  Working me over the edge again, her mouth on my sex.  After I came again, I needed to return the favor and I started fucking her with my fingers.  I was feeling somewhat brave and bold, up to this point I had only pleasured her with my fingers but because I had this sudden surge of bravery, I put my mouth on her and started licking at her clit, my fingers still in her.  And then I took my hands away and put them on her thights, while my tongue worked along her lips before slipping into her, lapping at what she was offering.  I could feel her body tense at the approaching wave so I took my mouth from between her thighs and replaced it with my fingers, I kissed her hard as that wave hit, catching her gasps and moans in my mouth.

 

After we were at least dressed in panties and a shirt of sorts, we laid there talking and cuddling again.  My body was absolutely BUZZING and I couldn't settle down or sleep so we kept talking and kissing a little (because holy fuck, can that girl kiss).  Then I felt bad because she was going in and out of sleep I think and I was keeping her up so I took some Tylenol PM.  I think we fell asleep around 2:30ish?

 

It was an amazing experience.  I am happy it wasn't with just some random girl at a party in high school.  I'm glad that my first same sex experience was with a good friend who I trust.  I really do hope she enjoyed it as much as I did.  And I hope I didn't make too big a fool of myself in my novice status.

 

We woke up this morning and my room smelled of booze and sex. *giggle*  So we decided we wanted food so we head to a diner.  Enjoyed some food and more conversation.  Sir knew we were out and ordered me to the bathroom to cum and A needed to know that's what I was doing.  So I told her and went to the bathroom.  When I came back out, she was smiling and said "mission accomplished?"  I started laughing and said yes.  She was laughing but she felt bad because she knew that I was already sore from last night's antics.  So we drove back to my aunt's house, hugged and kissed goodbye and she went home. 

New Life

Two weeks ago I embarked on an adventure.  A new life of freedom.  I ended my four year relationship with my fiance.  I won't get into the details but essentially, I wasn't happy.  It ranged from our sex life to trivial things like me wearing flip flops or having my hood on my head.  We fought a lot and in the end, the good did NOT outweigh the bad.  I had to get out and do right for ME.  And make myself happy before anyone else.  Before I ended the relationship I started on a journey into the kink/BDSM lifestyle.  It was just intrigue and general questioning.  My ex had no interest in exploring like me and that caused a huge strain.  I met some amazing people online and even created a separate Twitter account for me to play with/on.  One person in particular really captivated me.  I now serve Him.  I started this relationship before I had even got out of the one I was in with my ex.  But this was a LDR.  And that was new for me.  It's been amazing. 

After leaving my ex, I started thinking about all the things that caused this downfall and the eventual break up.  One of my biggest issues with him was control.  He was so controlling, even if he didn't notice it.  He would make me feel guilty for wanting to go out with my friends which would cause me to stay home instead of having fun.  And when I got my 6th tattoo we almost broke up because "girls with too many tattoos is a turn off."  So I didn't get anymore even though I wanted to so bad.  He was taking control without me giving it to him.  And thinking about that versus my relationship with Sir has my head all fucked up.  Because doesn't Sir have control over me?  I HATED being controlled by my ex, and he did it emotionally, mentally, and physically.  But here I am, taking orders and having someone control my orgasms, what I tweet and whether or not I can wear panties.  So how am I okay with this?  Easy: I took my power and embraced it, then GAVE control over to Sir.  He didn't just take it without asking like my ex.  He understands the power exchange and appreciates me more because of the strength it actually takes to release that to someone else.  I trust Him with my body, emotions, and thoughts.  I had a hard time expressing myself to my ex because I always felt like he was judging me and he wouldn't be able to accept me for who I was.  He was always trying to change me, even in the slightest ways.  Not Sir.  He takes me for what I am and doesn't try to change anything.  It's an amazing experience to have someone in my life that I can trust like that even though I've never felt His touch, had His body against mine, or felt the sting of His hand on my bare skin.

There are wolves in everyone, it's just finding the ones that tear you apart in just the right ways.